Whelp, it has arrived. I am officially 36 years old today and I've been feeling low about it all week. Not because of the number or the way age affects one's appearance, I'm comfortable with the way I look; this birthday just seems like a turning point. I'm sure I am not the first person to go through this (after all it IS called a mid-life crisis), yet I can't escape the doubt that has nestled in the deeper parts of my mind. I mentioned in my earlier post about the incessant wanderlust within me. It tugs at me pretty consistently and just won't go away. Sometimes I can suppress it for years; it always creeps back up.
I chose the path of getting married to a very kind, exceptionally creative man and then helped him to create two wonderful little souls. I proudly wear the roles of wife and mother but along the way I've forgotten me. Pre-life me. The things that were very important to me before I chose to make other dear people/things more important than me.
And I'm feeling it pretty hard right now.
Thirty-six. Not so old. Not young or fresh. Still hopeful, pensive, lanky. Not a girl, a woman. Full of familial responsibilities. No career, no personal direction. Homemaker/Husband-manager. Talent unused. College degree unused.
Quite aware of how incredibly lucky it is to have the luxury of choosing to be being a stay at home mother.
Honored to have a husband whose business license states profession as "artists, performers and writers" and whose artwork pays the bills and then some.
Yet still, lurking beneath: unsatisfied. scared.
How do I begin to do things for myself, when I barely have the time to manage the family? Is that selfish to surface these wants now? I've always wanted them, I've just put them off and postponed them for so long.
This birthday has really got me in my head. That is why I am calling this birthday, the 36th, my Eeyore Birthday. It is eleven o'clock in the evening, it is almost over. Soon to pass and won't be reminded until next year.
Today I:
Went to Balboa Park and watched the clouds change shape for hours.
Ate a PB&J sandwich on the grass next to my husband.
Read.
Surrounded myself with friends and their kids and the movies "Baraka" and "The Bicycle Theives" (choices which I think freaked my friends out just a little bit, but left me pleasantly satisfied)
5 comments:
Okay..I am not 36 but it is just around the corner..I feel what your saying girl, like everyday.Before the Lil buggies arrived it was dance classes,late nights watching my man play music, sleeping in or the option of just hanging inside with a fire and movie..AHHHHH that sounds nice, the last part that is..So here I am thinking about dance classes again..I am so gonna start up again because I want my kids to also know that side of me the side that doesnt give up when learning something new..Dancing at home is fun and all but not the same as live drums pulsing through your body..So I guess I am trying to say get your butt on that bike girl and ride like the wind..P.S: You seriously dont look a day over 24..Your a super HOT Mama!!!
Jeri, thank you. If you ever need an incredibly uncoordinated partner to go to dance class with, I'm your gal, i'm totally in.
What a sad birthday, but I guess they can't all be great. I've found the older I get, the more every other birthday is great. I woke up the morning of my 32nd birthday a few weeks ago at 2am with the flu, threw up, and threw up all day long. The cake went uneaten, and I couldn't move without nausea. This was my worst birthday. I'll make it up next year.
--Colin Adams
Hi Mel, I followed your link from Soule Mama--I'm the amy with no time for myself. The thing is, I was doing pretty well with balance, but I just wasn't done having kids yet, and I sort of plunged myself backwards. I wouldn't change that, of course. But I don't see any way out of it as long as the baby won't sleep without me.
I told myself I'd be doing *something* big by the time I turned 35. Turns out that was having a third baby. ;) Am I setting myself up for disappointment if I decide I'll be doing something big by 40?
My 37th is next month. Fun fun fun fun fun fun help help help...
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