Thursday, June 4, 2009
Whelp, it has arrived. I am officially 36 years old today and I've been feeling low about it all week. Not because of the number or the way age affects one's appearance, I'm comfortable with the way I look; this birthday just seems like a turning point. I'm sure I am not the first person to go through this (after all it IS called a mid-life crisis), yet I can't escape the doubt that has nestled in the deeper parts of my mind. I mentioned in my earlier post about the incessant wanderlust within me. It tugs at me pretty consistently and just won't go away. Sometimes I can suppress it for years; it always creeps back up.
I chose the path of getting married to a very kind, exceptionally creative man and then helped him to create two wonderful little souls. I proudly wear the roles of wife and mother but along the way I've forgotten me. Pre-life me. The things that were very important to me before I chose to make other dear people/things more important than me.
And I'm feeling it pretty hard right now.
Thirty-six. Not so old. Not young or fresh. Still hopeful, pensive, lanky. Not a girl, a woman. Full of familial responsibilities. No career, no personal direction. Homemaker/Husband-manager. Talent unused. College degree unused.
Quite aware of how incredibly lucky it is to have the luxury of choosing to be being a stay at home mother.
Honored to have a husband whose business license states profession as "artists, performers and writers" and whose artwork pays the bills and then some.
Yet still, lurking beneath: unsatisfied. scared.
How do I begin to do things for myself, when I barely have the time to manage the family? Is that selfish to surface these wants now? I've always wanted them, I've just put them off and postponed them for so long.
This birthday has really got me in my head. That is why I am calling this birthday, the 36th, my Eeyore Birthday. It is eleven o'clock in the evening, it is almost over. Soon to pass and won't be reminded until next year.
Went to Balboa Park and watched the clouds change shape for hours.
Ate a PB&J sandwich on the grass next to my husband.
Surrounded myself with friends and their kids and the movies "Baraka" and "The Bicycle Theives" (choices which I think freaked my friends out just a little bit, but left me pleasantly satisfied)